shabby background

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Art Of Kissing

Kissing Really is an art, here are a few types to try next time your with that special someone to spice of your kisses with a little extra umph…

The Butterfly Kiss - With your faces less than a breath away, open and close your eyelids against your partners. If done correctly, the fluttering sensation will match the one in your heart.
The Eskimo Kiss - With your faces less than a breath apart, gently rub your noses together.
The Triangle Kiss- While kissing their lips peek at them to see if there eyes are closed, If so trail off to one of their cheeks to mislead them, them gently kiss the top of their eyelid and then the next eye. Go back to their mouth slowly then start it over again.
The Eye Kiss - Hold your partner's head with both hands and slowly move their head in the direction you wish your kiss to go... then slowly kiss up towards your partner's eyes and give them a tender kiss on top of their closed eyes.
The Talking Kiss - Whisper sweet nothings into your partner's mouth. If caught in the act, simply say as Chico Marx, "I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth."
The Ice Kiss- Celebrate the first day of winter with an ice kiss. Put an ice cube in your mouth until your mouth becomes cold. Remove the cube, track down your love and plant a kiss that will send chills!
The Electric Kiss- The two of you shuffle your feet furiously on carpet. When you both have an electric charge, lean over and slowly aim for each other's lips. With your lips about one-half inch apart, move in even slower until a spark jumps between the two of you. Instantly after this happens, kiss one another...the please us the kiss right after the shock!
The “I Love You” Kiss- First start off with a slow and tender, toungeless kiss. Then lightly touch the tip of your toung to the tip of their’s. And finish it off with another slow and tender, toungless kiss.

The Upside Down Kiss- You stand behind your partner (who is seated or laying down) and have them tilt their head back.
Then kiss them so that you nibble their lower lip and they nibble yours. 
This is fun and feels good because you can feel them breathing on your neck as you kiss.
The Mimic Kiss- Start off with kissing your partner in a random place, then let them kiss you in the same spot you kissed them, continue back and forth. This gives you the opportunity to be kissed where you want to be kissed withought having to tell them.
The Sliding Kiss- Softly slide your lips up and down your partner’s arms, neck, cheek, stomach and so on. Slowly making your way to their lips.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Where to begin? I walked all over Disneyworld yesterday looking for you and you were nowhere to be found. Surprise, surprise... you couldn't respond to ONE of the dozens of letters I sent BEFORE I paid an arm and a leg for tickets to get into that overcrowded, artificial wonderland of capitalism... why would you bother being around when I actually SHOWED UP?
Frankly, I',m disgusted that I ever even TOLD anybody that I suffered through that dismal collage of poor animation you call a MOVIE, and you can be sure it is no longer in my collection.
A couple other things...
Your taste in guys - seriously? Animals with horns aren't the type anybody would ever freely admit that they've got a crush on. Really.
How about your wardrobe - brown hair and yellow dress, together at last... PUKE! Honestly - was that really a WHITE dress that had been sitting up in some dark, dirty closet for years and eventually was passable as yellow? My grandma has underwear like that, so I'm just asking.
Finally... more of an observation that a question... my mom and I seemed to notice that aladdin was pretty difficult to locate too. Not that I'm saying anything is going on between that two of you, but I'd hate for any pictures (of which I may or may not already made copies) to find their way into the hands of your beast friend.
Should our paths ever cross, stay away from me, or I swear to God I'll set you on fire. Really.

                                             Sleep with one eye open,

P.S… here’s one for your 

photo album. Ciao!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Dear Belle,

        I' am so excited to finally meet you this weekend! Although I haven't heard back from you after sending a few letters in the past. I'm sure we'll finally get to talk.Of course you're occupied with all the sorts of beautiful marvelous things - the sorts of things on;y a Disney princess does... but please know the minutes I get there, meeting you will be the first and only event on my day's to-do list. I just can't wait to have my picture taken with you and maybe even have lunch in the castle together!
        Ever since I saw "Beauty and the Beast" (and, of course its wonderful sequel) I have been truly reached by your bravery, kindness and beauty; I would be honored to be compared to you!
        Well I should get to bed - I want to be rested for the day I finally get to meet my idol! Goodnight!

                                                                 Yours always,
                                                               Skye La Grew

P.S. - I drew a picture here of what I think tomorrow is going to be like. Belle and Skye! BFFs!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter


If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.


I'am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


I'm sure you've been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”


have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay.
- Old folks homes are better.


Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

NOTE: If you still have the guts to date my daughter, complete the “Permission to date my daughter” application here.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,current medical report from your doctor and personal reccomendation from your clergy.
NAME______________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT________ IQ______ GPA_________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS____________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
Number of years they have been married ______________________
If less than your age, explain
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
Church you attend
How often you attend
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman’s place is in the:
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
F. When I meet a girl, the thing
 I always notice about her first is:
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_____________________     _____________________
Mother’s Signature                 Father’s Signature
____________________     _____________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                  State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Deadly Snake

His words crumbled my smile like ancient rigid bread
Steering my thoughts
Like a car, tires exploding, engine rattling and out of control
I felt my heart rip into two, one side for him, the other wallowing with hate
My knees felt like jello about to collapse from the unsought weight of pain
As he walked away, I fell
The ground so far away I could have sworn it disappeared under my agony
Like it was afraid to feel what I felt, I would have run away too
I laid there exhausted with burning torment
The air turned colder as if to cool me down
Like it cared whether or not I blew up in a massive mountain of flames
I felt dead, like I belonged six feet under in the nearest graveyard
As if I were a living zombie, just waiting for a time to strike
I returned home, it felt like a million years later
Reading through the old letter he sent me, the old pictures we took
Tears falling down, like dying stars do in the sky
He is a poisonous snake, deadly and vicious
Something you would never see coming
Before it bit you
Before it took your last breath away

I Would Like You To Meet... My Family :)

This is my mom and step dad, Tina and Luke.

And then this is my three little brothers and I.
Nicholas, Christian and Evan.

My baby brother Evan and I.

Here is Christian and I.

And of course Nicholas and I.